A man groped my ass on the subway. “Was he cute, this guy?” A stranger, without even saying hi, started sending me dick pictures. “Wow, can I see them?” I told him to take it off before the climax, and instead, he came in my mouth. “You have to understand, when one is excited…” While I was sucking one dude in the sauna, another tried to slip his cock inside my ass. I told him no and turned him away, but immediately afterward he tried again. “But it’s normal in the saunas, come on!”
A gay activist often denounces sexist language publicly, but to explain to me how little he shared my anti-Netanyahu views, he didn’t hesitate to write to me privately to illustrate how much he would have liked to rape me by making me wear a keffiyeh and putting a bag over my head. The chairman of an Italian transgender association, to express his disagreement with some of my ideas, repeatedly wrote to me that according to him I was “do-able,” I was fine only for fucking, as long as I was silent. Years later, he also publicly defended those messages.
The main Italian gay news website, Gay.it, writes about the sexual assault that a 22-year-old girl denounces she suffered from a well-known US priest and headlines: “George Rutler, a homophobic priest nabbed watching gay porn.” It summarizes the entire story in a secondary detail and turns it into a joke. They dismiss the violence in the article as a mere “accident.” The comments on social networks are mainly laughing emojis.
The first time a friend reported being raped, the first reaction in the group of friends was: “So did they both fuck you in the ass?” Someone giggled, someone admitted that perhaps the sentence was slightly indelicate, but there was certainly nothing to be pissed off about: it was a way to play down, cheer up!
So let’s start with a very easy example. If you tie me up, you whip me and fuck me, and if I agree, you are my favorite stud. If you tie me up, you whip me and fuck me, and if I don’t agree, you are a rapist. So far we are all in agreement, right? Here, this principle applies to every situation, and the magic words are “if I agree.” If I agree, you can also put your hand in my underwear. If I agree, you can also send me the video of your last wank. If I agree, you can also invite all your friends to have a party in my ass. If I don’t agree, dare nothing. Nothing.
Fortunately, within the LGBTQIA community these concepts are (or are becoming) quite clear speaking about violence against women. But they remain blurry speaking about gay and bisexual men. You know, “between men…” You know, “sexual freedom…” You know, “ice-queens…” You know, “moralism…” You know, “a different way of experiencing sex…” You know, “take it easy…” You know my foot. While the problem exists (and several studies also prove it), the debate doesn’t exist: the question is trivialized, ridiculed, canceled. We applaud the women for the #MeToo movement, while there has been quite a total silence within the gay and bisexual community.
The gay community must discuss and examine the issue of consent. We can also do it a little free-wheeling, without fear of the judgment of others. Does anyone think that rules in relationships between men should differ from heterosexual relationships? Let’s discuss it. And we can also agree that a hand on the ass in a dark room is really part of the game, but can we try to force someone to do something after they say no? What is and where is the limit that must not be exceeded?
We also need a greater ability to listen and empathize with those who have suffered violence. Talking about it is difficult and painful, we have to face so much fear and shame. Too often, though, our interlocutors in our community (which means our own friends and ourselves) cannot understand that it’s not a spicy confession. They mistake a painful testimony for a porn tale, for a BDSM fantasy. You must always appear bright, have the joke ready, shine with your playful relationship with sex. Sometimes, however, the darkest silence has the sound of a giggle.
Pier Cesare Notaro
©2020 Il Grande Colibrì
images: Il Grande Colibrì
Thank you for writing about the abuse that does occur in our community. As a bisexual man I have found that groping, fondling and any other type of sexual behavior is commonplace and often laughed off or one becomes subjected to admonitions such as, “oh, please! Everyone does it!” Or “C’mon, it’s just a joke! Lighten up!”
These comments are filled with no empathy or compassion for the person who is trying to relay their story. In fact, it is merely a matter of ridiculing them where they stand.
This topic is not discussed due to the fact that so many men, whatever their sexuality, do not wish to look at themselves and, moreover, their own feelings.
Again, thank you for bringing this topic to light. Perhaps it will help others who have suffered from abuse to speak out and with more confidence.
Peace-Walt.