I have a Danish gay friend with two grown kids. He did not have them with the much debated and vilified surrogate pregnancy, but with the woman he married when he had not yet realised he is a homosexual. Homosexual people have always married straight people in plain good faith, in many cases out of real love towards their partner.
And, on the other hand, homosexual people have always married straight people in order to patch things up, to quiet down embarrassing rumours, making a life decision that represses their nature because of traditional, social or familiar norms. It hardly ever is a good thing, even in the case when the person about to get married is truthfully informed of the sexual orientation of the person they are marrying. In some cases it is more understandable than in others, clearly, although risking to be the victim of injustice does not excuse inflicting injustice to someone else.
UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER
As much as it is necessary to draw many distinctions (some people get married disclosing their orientation, some other are not thoroughly sure of it, some suspect being bisexual, some actually are, some marry someone who is also a homosexual, etc.), it is safe to say that this practice should be avoided: if one’s desire is to live a straight life while being homosexual, the outcome is to repress their nature, which may result in causing unhappiness to themselves and those around them.
Whereas, if one intends to use someone else as a smokescreen, performing a straight life to quiet evil tongues and please their family only to be free to date same-sex people, the person they got married to is bound to experience huge suffering. Due to the peculiar type of contract that is marriage, this does not breach only a norm, but also the love illusion that the married partner had.
SEEKING HELP
Sham marriages have always existed also in Nigeria, a country where homosexual relations are punished with imprisonment up to 14 years and with death penalty in the areas where the sharia is in force. However, according to what a women’s rights activist in Port Harcourt reports, this shortcut has recently become a largely common practice, with many women turning to female associations for understanding, help, answers.
“They are mostly confused, bitter and disappointed, and they have no idea what to do. Many consider divorce, but it’s often a decision way too difficult for them to make”, explains the activist.
DECEPTION AND VIOLENCE
According to reports, men who now get married with a woman to hide their homosexuality do nothing to nourish their marriage, they merely use it as a cover for society and family, with no respect towards the wedded partner. Women who got married like this endure authentic violence, as well as being scammed.
“I consider this deceiving act a form of violence against women. The most painful aspect of the whole situation is the amount of suffering they go through when they realise they were tricked into a fraud marriage. For many of them, these years of their lives are waisted, and this ends up having a negative impact on their mental health”, goes on the activist.
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Maybe one of the reasons behind the exponential growth of marriages aimed at covering the man’s homosexuality may be related, once again, to the flow of migrants and asylum seekers from Africa to Europe. The idea that Nigeria is not a dangerous country for gay people is, for instance, widespread among the Italian commissions evaluating applications for protection, therefore requests of asylum are systematically rejected. Even though losing all hopes of a free and peaceful life in Europe may explains what is going on, it still isn’t reason enough to consider the whole thing acceptable.
Michele Benini
translation by Alessia Florimo
©2019 Il Grande Colibrì
foto: elaborazione da Laolu Steel (CC BY-SA 4.0)
