I was born on a heavy rainy day, at noon. This is what my mother always told me. Everyone was happy because I was the first grandson. In Pakistan, as much as everywhere else, a male baby brings much more happiness. Married women moves in the husband’s house, while men retain the home where they grew up, basically forever. This practice: “makes male children truly ours” says my mother, while females become someone else propriety. This is the reason, the day I was born the house was filled with the secret of happiness.
There was a lot of solitude in my childhood as I have two younger brothers and my parents seemed to be much more preoccupied about them. I’ve always been told: “You are the oldest brother, seniors are the one who sacrifice themselves”. I am 23 years old now, and I still do not know what I need to sacrifice for and why.
I moved to Italy, when I was 11. I was convinced my life would have changed, and so it was: I realized I was homosexual. I still remember the day: I was looking at my school best friend when, all of a sudden, I felt happy. I was feeling the notorious butterfly in my stomach. I was 13 years old.
I decided to announce it to my friends first, before telling my parents. I was a way too optimist young boy; I thought it was going to go smoothly. Instead, 90 percent of them stopped treating me the same way.
It was my mother turn, I was sure it was going to go much better. She remained silent for several minutes, then said: “You are my son no matter what.” She made jokes about it: “Thankfully you already dress in pink.” I am not sure how to describe how it went with father as he still thinks homosexuality is a phase. In fact, he forbidden me to hang out in gay bar and to have gay friends. Necessary precautions to help me overcome this phase.
As a 23 year old, I live my homosexuality in a very serene way, everyone knows about it. I do not hide because I love myself. My Islamic religious is clear about the subject: homosexuality is condemned. However, I wonder how God can condemn what he created.
I’ve asked many questions to myself without being able to fully answer them nut I am not worry about it because I am happy how I am. Nobody can nor should blame me to love another man. Nobody should be chastised for loving. How can anyone? Today, I am happy to have great friends, to study what I love and to have had a love story of five years. Nobody should condemn me because I am happy to love myself; so much so that I do not need to hide an essential part of who I am.
S.
testimony collected by Anes
translation by Barbara Burgio
©2017 Il Grande Colibrì
