Second Generation Queer – I Am Happy Because I Love Myself

ragazzi giocano su un trampolino a islamabad
Ragazzi giocano su un trampolino a Islamabad

First and foremost, WE are citizens who identify with more than one culture and civil rights. Being immigrants or second generation LGBTQIA (whether born or raised in Italy) comes in second. WE, citizens, who desire to leave behind cultural and religious immobilism of our native communities. WE desire to ignite debates about laicism and atheism, homosexuality and civil rights. WE citizens, who searched for ourselves twice. WE, liquid community. WE, who are coming from countries where homosexuality and religion abonnement are a crime. WE, kept on the fringe of debate. WE, double-minority, who looks further, beyond the courage. Our voice will be the ultimate offense to whom pretends we are invisible and the internet will be the place of our revolution. Let’s talk about ourselves! Let’s reveal ourselves! Let’s kick it off by using language. Let’s start with US.

I was born on a heavy rainy day, at noon. This is what my mother always told me. Everyone was happy because I was the first grandson. In Pakistan, as much as everywhere else, a male baby brings much more happiness. Married women moves in the husband’s house, while men retain the home where they grew up, basically forever. This practice: “makes male children truly ours” says my mother, while females become someone else propriety. This is the reason, the day I was born the house was filled with the secret of happiness.

There was a lot of solitude in my childhood as I have two younger brothers and my parents seemed to be much more preoccupied about them. I’ve always been told: “You are the oldest brother, seniors are the one who sacrifice themselves”. I am 23 years old now, and I still do not know what I need to sacrifice for and why.

I moved to Italy, when I was 11. I was convinced my life would have changed, and so it was: I realized I was homosexual. I still remember the day: I was looking at my school best friend when, all of a sudden, I felt happy. I was feeling the notorious butterfly in my stomach. I was 13 years old.

I decided to announce it to my friends first, before telling my parents. I was a way too optimist young boy; I thought it was going to go smoothly. Instead, 90 percent of them stopped treating me the same way.

It was my mother turn, I was sure it was going to go much better. She remained silent for several minutes, then said: “You are my son no matter what.” She made jokes about it: “Thankfully you already dress in pink.” I am not sure how to describe how it went with father as he still thinks homosexuality is a phase. In fact, he forbidden me to hang out in gay bar and to have gay friends. Necessary precautions to help me overcome this phase.

As a 23 year old, I live my homosexuality in a very serene way, everyone knows about it. I do not hide because I love myself. My Islamic religious is clear about the subject: homosexuality is condemned. However, I wonder how God can condemn what he created.

I’ve asked many questions to myself without being able to fully answer them nut I am not worry about it because I am happy how I am. Nobody can nor should blame me to love another man. Nobody should be chastised for loving. How can anyone? Today, I am happy to have great friends, to study what I love and to have had a love story of five years. Nobody should condemn me because I am happy to love myself; so much so that I do not need to hide an essential part of who I am.


testimony collected by Anes
translation by Barbara Burgio
©2017 Il Grande Colibrì

Second generation queer – How I’ve killed my mother

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