Dear white queer people,
Have you ever wondered what a black, North African, Asian, or South American guy feels when in dating apps he reads sentences like “No blacks, no Chinese” or “Only XXL and top Arabs, Latino, and blacks,” often followed by the eggplant emoji? No? Well, we need to talk. So take a deep breath, put aside your white fragility and invectives against political correctness, sit down, and listen. Yes, listen to me, even if I don’t speak for all non-white queer people. What I’ll tell you is based solely on what I experienced as a cis-gay and black Italian man, but you will find the same wounds, the same fatigue, and the same anger in the stories of many other non-caucasian queer people.
For this reason, you have to listen to me. Because I need your help. Because we need your help.
“No blacks, no Chinese”
When I was using the dating apps for MSM (the acronym for “men sexually attracted to other men”), I often found profiles that warned: “No blacks, no Chinese. Only Italians.” “Let nothing be said of taste but what is good,” you will tell me. I also saw profiles that said the exact opposite, but they were nonetheless offensive: in these cases, the man was looking for “only XXL and top blacks, Arabs, or Brazilians.”
“They are just preferences, come on”, you will tell me. No, gurl. In the Western context, preferring short guys to tall ones doesn’t have the same historical and social weight as preferring white guys to non-white guys, or vice versa. In fact, the two cases are different due to the many centuries of Western colonialism, which had an impact also on how a white body sexually interacts to a non-white body.
Sexual racism
The examples given above are forms of sexual racism, which is the reduction of a person to the physical and behavioral stereotypes that an ethnic majority attributes to an ethnic minority, for sexual and/or emotional purposes. This sexual objectification can take two different forms. The first form is the violent rejection of those who do not belong to the ethnic majority. In fact, when you write “No blacks, no Chinese, only Italians,” you are actually looking only for white people, regardless of their nationality.
The second form is the projection on a non-white person of ethnic stereotypes, sometimes exaggerated to the limits of caricature, which degrade the individual to a simple sexual fetish in order to only satisfy your need for exoticism and possession. In fact, behind sentences like “I’m only looking for blacks, Brazilians, and Arabs,” lies your search for a well-hung black “Mandingo”, a seductive and promiscuous Latino “papi”, a North African “stallion”, all three tops and “masc.”
Both forms have the same effect on the individual and collective subconscious: they reinforce the racial discourse according to which whiteness is the norm to which we need to aspire. In the case of dating apps for MSM, the cis-gay or cis-bisexual white man embodies this ideal.
Outside the white ideal
Those who fit this ideal figure are granted the privilege of having a complex individuality, which transcends ethnicity: if you are a cis-gay or cis-bisexual white man in an MSM chat, you can say what you think (including offensive sentences), hit on whoever you want, and say “No thanks.” On the other hand, if you are a non-caucasian man, your individuality is stripped of its complexity in order to be either rejected (ghosting, insults), or possessed in the narrow cage of racial fetishization, built by and for the white and Eurocentric ideal.
“But we aren’t all like that,” someone will say. Are you sure? Raise your hand if you have asked questions about the origins of a POC (person of colour) who you didn’t know. “We can no longer say anything, damn it!” Gurls, I’m not telling you that you can’t say anything. I’m just trying to make you understand that you should think before asking intrusive questions that question the identity of a non-white person, who lives in countries where racist movements have a big success, such as Lega in Italy.
We non-white queer people in Italy make a tremendous effort, every day, to keep our identity standing between the culture of this country that raised us – and at the same time doesn’t want us – , and the often homotransphobic culture of our parents.
At home, we have to pretend every day to be straight to prove to our parents that we have not rejected our roots. Outside, however, we have to show that we are “integrated”, which implies that we have to be careful how we speak, how we dress, and even pretend to laugh at your racist and xenophobic jokes. Because, as we have been taught both inside and outside our homes, being Italian means being white and Catholic; and if you are not, you are just a stranger who has to adapt and bite the bullet, without being seen or heard around too much.
Italian = white
In this unstable balance , our gender identity and sexual orientation remain hidden. The only spaces where we can fully be ourselves are social media, dating apps, and queer clubs. So just imagine our frustration when we have to face the same inquisitive pressure in these places as well, especially in chats, when you ask us questions about our family or our “country of origin”, often before asking our names. In this way, you use the same discriminating “Italian = white” logic that your reactionary relatives or our political class use to motivate their racist slurs, or their hesitation on a more inclusive law on citizenship.
I already see some of you hiding behind their white fragility, saying that I’m exaggerating and hypersensitive, while someone will say: “But they also ask me where I am from.” Very well, let’s take an example to make my point clear. Let’s say my friend and I are in a club in Rome. A stranger arrives and asks us: “Where are you from?” We both reply that we are from Florence. But while for my friend the next question will be about, for example, his work, the stranger will surely ask me: “Ok, but what are your origins?” And why? Because I’m black and therefore, according to the “Italian = white” logic, not really Italian, even though I was born here.
“No Negroes, No Jews”
And that’s what I don’t accept. Why do I constantly have to justify and defend the fact that I exist in this country even in those spaces, such as gay dating chats, where inclusiveness should be the norm? I felt deep discomfort, and often a lot of anger, when I saw profiles in which “NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO FAIRIES” was written in capital letters. They reminded me of the “No Negroes, No Jews” signs banning African Americans and Jews from entering certain public facilities in the United States during the segregation period.
And many times, even several times a week, I received messages from gay or bisexual men asking me how much money I wanted to have sex, without even introducing themselves. For a few moments, before blocking the person or telling him to fuck off, I had the feeling that my body no longer belonged to me. It is a feeling that leaves a bruise inside you. And this bruise expands every time you, white cis-gays and cis-bisexuals, belittle what happened, with the excuse that in Italy most of the sex-workers are South American (or in any case non-white people) and for this reason, it is legitimate to ask any non-white gay man what his price is.
Into our shoes
I hope you now understand that the Italian LGBTQIA community is not immune to structural racism, as it is not immune to sexism and classism. Indeed, it rigorously applies the same discriminating schemes both in its spaces and in the relationships between queer people. I also hope you now understand how much strength and patience we, non-white queer people, had to gather as we listened to you, in order not to lose friends, friends with benefits, and boyfriends. We no longer have this strength and this patience.
Now it’s up to you to listen to us, without prejudice (sexual or otherwise), and put yourself in our shoes. Maybe you could start by asking yourselves a few questions, like “Am I looking for a person or a Pornhub category?” or “If I like this person I just met on social media, why do I have to ask right now where his/her/their parents were born?”
What we want is that you interact with us bearing in mind the fact that our identity is a rainbow identity in a permanent balance between two cultures, one of which is more homotransphobic than the other. Understanding our situation, and acting accordingly, would be of great help in building our identity, as queer non-white Italians, as an integral part of this country that is also ours.
I hope that 2021 will be the year in which you, white queer people, listen to us, non-white queer people, to finally start building an Italian LGBTQIA community truly inclusive for all.
Truly yours,
Stefano Duc
translated by Pier Cesare Notaro
©2021 Il Grande Colibrì
immagini: Il Grande Colibrì / elaborazione da Ali A. Awada (CC BY-SA 4.0) / Il Grande Colibrì
Racism in the Gay Community was very bad even in large cities like NYC even up to the 1980ties…….as a gay Asian man …..i could not go to most gay bars or dance clubs in NYC ……not even the ones of color…….not in the black clubs…..not in the Hispanic clubs……and especially NOT IN ANY OF THE WHITE CLUBS……unless it was a S&M or LEATHER CLUB…….they were the only places that seemed open and ONE ASIAN CLUB…..The Twilight…….not even able to eat in Gay Restaurants as they would NOT SERVE ME…..still not so great……the last time I visited Province Town……NASTY YOUNG WHITE GAY BOY ….shouted get out to me…….not just one or two….but…..dozens…..on the street……while I was eating……everywhere…….